The Cost of Living and Loving

Here I am, nearly 1 year post "Chapter 3" of my life adventure.

Enough time to clear my head of the dizziness that came from the flurry of activity of moving across the ocean - enough time to slow down the busy rustle of getting every thing sorted so I can try to put down some roots - enough time to have a good look at what has past, what the current day holds - and to contemplate the tomorrows.

In a very practical sense, I had to count the cost of moving here - our Rands don't go far here - and every purchase had to be weighed carefully. The mental shift of value - "is $5.99/lb excessive?" "will this bank balance be enough?" had to be adjusted over time.

But what I didn't count, what I perhaps took a little too much for granted, were the most valuable things I had - and whether or not they would be able to withstand the adjustment - those treasured relationships that we had built over the 9 years we were there. The sadness of the goodbyes, the strain of lives lived separately and detached and the just plain pain of missing each other desperately are taking their toll.

While my heart is heavy for missing the people who colored my life - for those who shared themselves with me, and who I gave a piece of my heart - for those who saw me at my best and my worst - I would not, could not wish for those 9 years to be any different. Choices were made then that strung threads of love between my family, my children and those around us and the stretching of those threads has hurt everyone involved - but having had them... is invaluable.

We could have lived more solitary lives, knowing from the beginning that our time there was not permanent - we could have avoided the roots and stretching out - but we would have missed out on knowing and loving some of the most amazing people. And for this there is no regret.

I came across a blog about goodbyes today, and a statement hit me -
"The effort and vulnerability it costs to treasure and honor people, this is the stuff of life." It is worth it - 100%.

Mizpah

Go thou thy way, and I go mine,
Apart, yet not afar;
Only a thin veil hangs between
The pathways where we are.
And "God keep watch 'tween thee and me";
This is my prayer;
He looks thy way, He looketh mine,
And keeps us near.
I know not where thy road may lie,
Or which way mine will be;
If mine will lead thro' parching sands
And thine beside the sea;
Yet God keeps watch 'tween thee and me,
So never fear;
He holds thy hands, He claspeth mine,"
And keeps us near.

Should wealth and fame perchance be thine,
And my lot lowly be,
Or you be sad and sorrowful,
And glory be for me,
Yet God keep watch 'tween thee and me;
Both be His care;
One arm round thee and one round me
Will keep us near.

I sigh sometimes to see thy face,
But since this may not be,
I'll leave thee to the care of Him
Who cares for thee and me.
"I'll keep you both beneath my wings,"
This comforts, dear; One wing o'er thee
and one o'er me,
Will keep us near.

And though our paths be separate,
And thy way is not mine,
Yet coming to the Mercy seat,
My soul will meet with thine.
And "God keep watch 'tween thee and me,"
I'll whisper there.
He blesseth thee, He blesseth me,
And we are near.-

Living the dream

Once there was a girl with a dream. Her normal life was not by any means unsatisfactory, but deep within there was a tiny flicker of a flame that burned endlessly, causing her to lift her eyes beyond the ordinary.

As a young child, she read of mystical places far away; when she turned 15, she imagined the people who lived there and she began to long for them. When at the cross roads of 18 years, she tentatively placed her heart away from the ordinary and went searching. And at 21, her heart found its home with the heart of a man who also dreamed. He dreamed big dreams made with the largest paint brushes. Broad strokes and bright colours. Together they thought that they could find reality for their dreams.

Time began to pass - those dreams that had intertwined became laden with necessity and responsibility. Being hard working folk, they got about their business and did was needed, and the flame once again became but a flicker. But because the dreams were fueled by the DreamGiver, the flame did not die.

Many years passed - children were born, friends were made. Their house became their home and all seemed so good. But yet the flame flickered.

It was a cold winter morning, and for months the flame had been growing - neither the man or the woman could quite comprehend - but the flame still grew. And on that morning, when their hearts were once again ripe with anticipation - and their eyes were searching - that they both knew in an instant that the first of the dream had begun. The flame leaped to life.

The couple were eager to experience their dream in all it's fullness - to finally feel that satisfaction of experiencing all they had hoped for, of tasting that purpose for which they had been formed. However, there were experiences that had to be gained, relationships and knowledge that had to be formed.... and more time passed.

At last, one day the page turned, and together they found themselves at the precipice of decision - to risk all for the dream - or to stay in a safe and provided-for environment. They dove in, head first, trusting in the DreamGiver to provide all that would be needed and to lead them where they were designed to go.

It has been a truly remarkable life. One that has filled to the brim the hearts of the ones who had humbly trusted the DreamGiver.

There are chapters to dreams, it seems. And never, on this side of eternity, will the final chapter be inscribed. But each new chapter is in its own way its own adventure. The journey of the past is woven thickly with the lives of remarkable, amazing people and places - each writing permanently on the hearts of the travelers - each colouring and changing them some - molding, shaping and even preparing them for the chapters that still lie ahead.

A Fresh Perspective

It's been quite some time since I last updated this blog... so many in fact, that I'm sure any who read it have long since given up on me.

However, my purpose in writing here wasn't as much for others, but for me to document what I have experience, to note what God has taught me, and to ponder things that are new to my understanding.

Some parts of my life are still the same - I am still working as a business partner to my husband, I am still living in South Africa, and I am still amazed at what God is doing.

However, time has marched on and life has unfolded some adventures even more challenging than relocating to a new country. Life isn't coloured the same as it was 3 years ago - it is now much brighter and more focused.

Most recently, I have had quite a health scare. David and I immediately felt that God was working in and through it, and we lived it rather publically on facebook and in our church. The love, prayers and support we felt were overwhelming.

Rather than re-write, I will instead post what was posted on my facebook page during the event. It's a condensed version, but still a little bit of a read (you've been warned :) )

Trying to figure out why cancer?.


I think it must be human nature to want to know why. It isn't a spiritual search I am on - I am comfortable with the truth's I have learned in my years following Jesus that my life is in His hands, and He loves me deeply. Spiritually, there is a deeper purpose. I do realize that the spiritual and physical have an overlap, however. When I consider that I have three beautful girls and a handsome son who will one day have their own children, I am looking as to what put me at risk for ovarian cancer in order to protect them.

I cannot say I have really found an answer.

Which makes me want to stand like a preacher from days of old and warn women of how this cancer can sneak up unannounced, or as in my case disguised as a common complaint - and slap you like a wet fish across the face.

As I posted previously, I have NONE of the risk factors (see http://www.ovariancancer.jhmi.edu/menu_understanding.cfm for more info) In addition, cases of ovarian cancer are on the rise.

In my case, I had a hysterectomy in 2003 due to fibroid tumors. Because I was only 34, the doctor felt it best to leave behind my cervix and my one healthy ovary. It is from this lonesome ovary that the cancer started.

In 2007 I was diagnosed with probable IBS ( irritable bowel syndrome, or spastic colon as it is commonly called in South Africa). My symptoms? constipation, tenderness, bloatedness . Guess what the symptoms of ovarian cancer are?

I had a full barium x-ray done to confirm the diagnosis, and because the dr found diverticulitis polyps on my colon, he felt sure that this was the problem. An easy answer.. and he didn't think or know to look further.

It was only on a standard GYN visit, with a complaint about tenderness on my abdomen (which I had been accounting to the IBS for 2 years) that my new doctor raised her eyebrows and started the chain of events that we have experienced this week.

I do not have any "if onlys" or "what ifs". As I said, there is an overlap between the spiritual and physical.However for the sake of my beloved family and friends, I do want to grasp how this disease happens, and as it is a silent killer, want to raise the warning to all I love to please, please take an hour out of your year - go to the doctor and ask for the pelvic exam which will alert the doctor if there is a problem.

I am praying we have caught mine in time. We will only know next week, but I have heard and read stories of women who didn't know they had it until it ruptured. It's a sneaky disease, but not completely undetectable. Because I love you, please go check.


Healed!

I am breathless. and humbled. and oh so thankful! The God of the universe has chosen to extend my life for His purposes.

Yet, I am so grateful for the exhausting roller coaster ride of the last 2 weeks because I now know God to be all that He has claimed to be, all that I had believed Him to be.

I want to testify
■that God in His awesome love for us has given us His Word which is alive and relevant to us right where we are!
■His Holy Spirit comforts in ways that are inexplicable
■His ways are higher than our ways - and so much better
■When God allows His children to go through difficult times, He provides for them EVERYTHING they will need to walk strong.

Do not be discouraged if you are going through a difficult time - God has gone before you, and He is walking WITH you and He has for you all that you need. Surrender to Him all your hurts, fears and anger and allow Him to work in you and through you.

He could have easily allowed me to walk the path of cancer treatment. He had prepared me, and I had surrendered to His will because He had given me the faith to believe Him at His Word. He can give you this same faith for any trial you face and He will walk with you and accomplish great and amazing things.

I am excited for what lies ahead. Every day is now a double gift, and I want to use it for Him.

Blessed be the name of the Lord! As Matt Redman puts it "In the land that is plentiful... when I'm found in the desert place...when the sun's shining down on me...on the road marked with suffering..when the darkness closes in STILL I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I am now 7 months beyond this experience - and the busyness of life, and the stresses of daily living - have tried to rob me of the invaluable lessons I learned. But it only takes a moment to remember - and another moment to readjust myself back to center - and carry on with this gift I have been given - life.

Stepping Back into Life

I am a wild dreamer - meaning I have wild dreams. The type that make my children laugh, and my husband worry. The type that a psycho analyist would die for.... and the type that usually give me an indication of what is REALLY going on in my head.

Lately, my dreams have moved from the problem solving type, to the finally finding stuff type.
Ones that don't make me sad, that don't make me frustrated...they are just kind of..informative.

When I lay on the couch (figuratively, of course) and think about it, I think that it must be because there is a definite sense of "ah ha" going on. Many instances where I sense a bit of understanding as to all of the whys. Plus! I think I'm finally adjusting. The mother/wife/business woman juggle is becoming manageable, instead of overwhelming..the whys of our stay in Africa are coming to focus.. and I've got good things to look forward to.

Perhaps this is contentment. And I am old enough now to know that contentment is not the perfect satisfaction with now, but the acceptance of now and the looking forward to the future. I like that.

Spring Cleaning, but it's not spring!

Hmmm. what is it about the change of seasons that brings about the almost instinctual urge to open up the cupboards, pull out the black plastic garbage bags and clean?

After an absolutely lovely day of worship, then lunch at my daughters (yummm!!), I came home with every intention of taking a Sunday afternoon nap...then it hit. First, it was nothing more than a twitch..then before I knew it I was up, plastic bags in hand, and cleaning of the cluttered shelves in my youngest girls room. From there I hit the bathrooms with the Handy Andy -scrubbing everything that our dear househelp misses week after week. Three bags of discards - 1 rubbish, 2 handme downs and hopefully my girls will have a maintainable room for a while, and my bathrooms smells fresh and clean once again.

There are still leaves hanging out in the bottom of the pool that the kreepy crawly isn't getting, and dusty spots here and there, but hey! It's dark now, and that urge, for now, has passed. And I'll shortly be cuddling up with my hubby and watching his favorite show....

Caught Between Two Worlds

Experiencing new things has always been exciting for me and has fit well into my philosophy that life is an adventure. One thing I never really took into consideration is how those new things can impact my future, or even my very being.

There are decisions I have made in my life that I look at now and realize have left me caught between two worlds.

Africa has seeped into my blood - our decision to move here was never with the intention of permanency. We always felt that there was a time frame of purpose, then we would return having experienced all God had for us here - then we would go back, hopefully a little wiser and naturally older, to our "old life". While there are things I definitely miss about my home, I think that I will ever have a longing for this place - the people, the culture (yes, even the frustrations) and neither place will ever hold the contentment experienced when I only knew the one

Even when I started working, it was meant to be simply as an assistant in getting David's business off the ground. I love being a wife and mother, however now that we are nearly 4 years into it, I cannot ever picture myself as I once was.

It brings to mind a spiritual truth about being here on earth, yet yearning for heaven. Once we have experienced the truth that is in Christ, the things of this world are no longer as satisfying. We live our life on earth, loving our families, experiencing the beauty of God's creation, yet longing deep inside ourselves for our eternal home.

Does this mean that I wish I had never "tasted" of Africa or that I had never reached for new things? If I had never, then I never would have known the beauty and joy in those new things. And life would be monochrome in it's experience. I long for the full spectrum and cannot wait for the day that I am in the place that is the source of this longing - and where I will find the fulfillment of all these longings, and will still the sense of being caught between.