Stepping Back into Life

I am a wild dreamer - meaning I have wild dreams. The type that make my children laugh, and my husband worry. The type that a psycho analyist would die for.... and the type that usually give me an indication of what is REALLY going on in my head.

Lately, my dreams have moved from the problem solving type, to the finally finding stuff type.
Ones that don't make me sad, that don't make me frustrated...they are just kind of..informative.

When I lay on the couch (figuratively, of course) and think about it, I think that it must be because there is a definite sense of "ah ha" going on. Many instances where I sense a bit of understanding as to all of the whys. Plus! I think I'm finally adjusting. The mother/wife/business woman juggle is becoming manageable, instead of overwhelming..the whys of our stay in Africa are coming to focus.. and I've got good things to look forward to.

Perhaps this is contentment. And I am old enough now to know that contentment is not the perfect satisfaction with now, but the acceptance of now and the looking forward to the future. I like that.

Spring Cleaning, but it's not spring!

Hmmm. what is it about the change of seasons that brings about the almost instinctual urge to open up the cupboards, pull out the black plastic garbage bags and clean?

After an absolutely lovely day of worship, then lunch at my daughters (yummm!!), I came home with every intention of taking a Sunday afternoon nap...then it hit. First, it was nothing more than a twitch..then before I knew it I was up, plastic bags in hand, and cleaning of the cluttered shelves in my youngest girls room. From there I hit the bathrooms with the Handy Andy -scrubbing everything that our dear househelp misses week after week. Three bags of discards - 1 rubbish, 2 handme downs and hopefully my girls will have a maintainable room for a while, and my bathrooms smells fresh and clean once again.

There are still leaves hanging out in the bottom of the pool that the kreepy crawly isn't getting, and dusty spots here and there, but hey! It's dark now, and that urge, for now, has passed. And I'll shortly be cuddling up with my hubby and watching his favorite show....

Caught Between Two Worlds

Experiencing new things has always been exciting for me and has fit well into my philosophy that life is an adventure. One thing I never really took into consideration is how those new things can impact my future, or even my very being.

There are decisions I have made in my life that I look at now and realize have left me caught between two worlds.

Africa has seeped into my blood - our decision to move here was never with the intention of permanency. We always felt that there was a time frame of purpose, then we would return having experienced all God had for us here - then we would go back, hopefully a little wiser and naturally older, to our "old life". While there are things I definitely miss about my home, I think that I will ever have a longing for this place - the people, the culture (yes, even the frustrations) and neither place will ever hold the contentment experienced when I only knew the one

Even when I started working, it was meant to be simply as an assistant in getting David's business off the ground. I love being a wife and mother, however now that we are nearly 4 years into it, I cannot ever picture myself as I once was.

It brings to mind a spiritual truth about being here on earth, yet yearning for heaven. Once we have experienced the truth that is in Christ, the things of this world are no longer as satisfying. We live our life on earth, loving our families, experiencing the beauty of God's creation, yet longing deep inside ourselves for our eternal home.

Does this mean that I wish I had never "tasted" of Africa or that I had never reached for new things? If I had never, then I never would have known the beauty and joy in those new things. And life would be monochrome in it's experience. I long for the full spectrum and cannot wait for the day that I am in the place that is the source of this longing - and where I will find the fulfillment of all these longings, and will still the sense of being caught between.

Birthday Party Bonanza

Oh yes, here we are again... April. While this should bring about enormous amounts of joy and goosebumps - it is after all not only my birthday, but 5 of the 6 of us have birthdays all within a month of each other - it has instead brought on quite a bit of weariness and a bit of a personality disorder.

Don't get me wrong.... I LOVE MY FAMILY! And I love making them feel special. Birthdays are the perfect opportunity for this. But if I eat another piece of birthday cake, I might just gag.

I've just finished icing my 60th cupcake. And packing the goody bags for daughter number 3's Monkey Party tomorrow. And did I mention that it is my husband's 44th birthday tomorrow as well? And two days later, my #1 daughters 21st birthday? Daughter #2 has her birthday 5 days later, with her "friends party" a week after that..

I'm plumb birthday'd out. And there's still Mothers Day, and our Anniversary....

Definitely a case of too much of a good thing....

Learning to Cruise

In my former life (ie. before we moved to South Africa) my husband had a boat. When he bought it, I was not exactly excited... I really don't love water. However, it didn't take me long to see the value in having a toy that would wisk us away from reality and plant us on some far off beach off the river where we could play and bask in the sun.

Oh, wait...I digress from my original thought...

This boat was perfect for towing water tubes... We spent at least one week each summer with our church youth, hauling them all over the lake, and we spent every weekend we could in the river.

Soon, David wanted in on the fun, which meant I needed to learn to drive the boat.

The problem? He is a big guy! And his friend, who was sometimes on a second tube behind the boat was also a big guy.....

The first thing I learned about the boat...as you take off the nose of the boat rises - and the bigger the load, the higher it rises.... and the motor digs into the water deeper which doesn't really help with the speed. It takes a few moments of power to pick up speed, which brings the nose (I guess it's called a bow, isn't it??) down... Until then it's really tough to drive.

Once the boat planes on top of the water it's a smooth ride - but up to that point, it's a rough, tough pull.

I think I've been having "life" boat lessons these last few months. Circumstances have made life a rough tough pull... I'm tired, my time is bogged down with the tyranny of the urgent, I have very little time for some of the most important things in my life.. my family. But thankfully, during this rough tough pulling time, I've been able to make plans and to put pieces in place for the future... and this gives me the feeling this morning that perhaps the bow of my boat is beginning to come down, and that maybe, just maybe in the very near future... my life will hit that lovely "plane", and things will operate so much more smoothly... and all the little things that give me joy will once again have a more prominant place in my day to day living.

Hope is a great thing, isn't it??

Stressed or Stretched

It's 4:26 am, I've been awake for an hour and don't see much point in going to back to sleep. In my early morning contemplations, I had a little word picture come to mind, one that is helping me to not give in to feelings of being overwhelmed and panicked.

No one's life is free of stress - I think this word could almost be considered an overused word - at least in my circles. "How are you this week?" "Stressed. But okay"
"How are you feeling?" "Stressed" And in a conversation with my almost 10 year old "How was your day at school?" "Stressful". It's sad.

My life has been full of busyness lately - my oldest daughter got married and she and I (and her new husband) planned most of the details. In the midst of this, our business is growing (what a blessing!), and we have been on the verge of alot of change. In fact, I would say that life has been mostly change lately.

This can cause stress. Or perhaps as my little God given visual that came to me this morning points - not stress, but stretch.

Trying to manage stress is a difficult thing - Picture a ball of silly putty (now THIS is a good illustration for me!) - you pull it and pull it, then it begins to resist being pulled, it get's thinner and thinner then all the sudden - snap! It breaks. If it was more elastic it would just continue to stretch and not resist being pulled.

I think that resistance to change (or struggle, depending on the situation) is what causes stress. Fighting against what is happening around you and resisting what is happening does all those horrible things to your body - headaches, high blood pressure, shortened temper - even that anxious pit in the stomach.

But if we could somehow take a different perspective and look at these things in a our life as catalysts instead of hinderances, we might move away from a feeling of stress to a feeling of stretch. If I (because this is my 4 am therapy session) could embrace the change and see this time as a time of God working in me, molding me and making me into the vessle He has created me to be, then maybe some of the feelings of "oh my!" will change into "oh yea!" and the panic and anxiety that are on the fringe of my consciousness would subside and melt away.

Yep, it's 4 am, and I must say that when I've been lying still in bed for 4 hours trying to sleep, and I get up quietly and go into the next room... a good stretch feels mighty good. It's an awakening and a getting ready for movement. And after lying still for a while - movement is good!